


Smithereens

by fear_her_blurryface



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Burn Out, Other, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-16
Updated: 2019-07-16
Packaged: 2020-05-13 02:58:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 14
Words: 15,917
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19242439
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fear_her_blurryface/pseuds/fear_her_blurryface





	1. The only difference between life and dying

Josh was burned out, but he didn‘t want to accept it. His fear was riding roller coaster with him and his depression slammed him relentlessly into the ground. But he didn‘t want to admit it. So it came as it had to come: After a total break down, he found himself in a psychiatric Hospital.  
But that didn‘t make it any better. He was aware that even here some people would recognize him. And then the same thing would happen, which also happened outside: The people would be nice to him because he was the drummer of Twenty One Pilots.  
And Josh was so tired of it. Nobody wasted any time thinking ,that he was a human behind his job. So he thought it was best to just stay in his room.  
But his therapist and Sally the nurse had other plans. Sally was a feisty elderly lady who managed to knock the self-pity out of absolutely everyone. And so he found himself a little later in the creative area of the clinic. "So Josh" Sally began, " now go hog wild" She left him without waiting for an answer and was through the door. Josh looked around and he felt panic rising. He let his eyes wander desperately around the great room, to find a spot he could fix, to calm down.  
His eyes fell on a silk painting. There was a grinning alien playing a ukulele while flying through the universe in his saucer. He had to grin and it made him completely forget his panic.  
Then he realized that someone was sitting in front of the cloth and was still working on it. Carefully, he approached the person and saw that she was working on the lettering on the edge of the fabric. "I want to believe" was standing there and Josh had to grin even more.  
"Argh Tim, you know exactly how much I hate it, when someone is standing behind me. Get away! "an annoyed female voice said.  
Josh hadn‘t been aware that he was to close to her and immediately took a step back and muttered, "Sorry, I didn‘t mean to bother you."   
The artist turned to him and said in surprise, "Whoops, sorry. I thought you were Tim, the therapist annoying me to death, "and looked at him curiously.   
"No, I'm Josh," the drummer mumbled shyly.   
"Welcome to Wonderland then, Josh. We're all crazy here“ and grinned. "Oh lordy, lord, where are my manners: I'm Lilian, by the way"  
Josh was impressed. Lilian was about 35 years old and had blue - purple dyed hair.  
"Well, Josh, do you know what you want to do here?" She asked.  
"Hm, do you think I could ..., I could do such a silk painting ... like you?"  
" I don‘t know. Attempt makes smart, I would say " grinning at him.   
He couldn‘t help but smile back and Lilian got up and walked over with him to an elderly man who was talking to another patient.  
" My dearest Tim, Joshie here would like to get into the silk painting business and needed some starting material"   
The therapist raised an eyebrow and looked at both of them. When he handed Lilian the key to the closet, he said to Josh, "Ah Mr. Dun, I see, Sally kicked you out of your room finally. Fine, then much success with the silk painting "  
Josh didn‘t know what to answer, but Lilian saved the situation and replied, "As much as I'm happy to meet Josh, no one has the right to kick him."   
The therapist became serious: "Lil 'I'm sorry, I didn‘t want to ... "  
"I know, Tim "she cut him off, took Josh gently by the hand and pulled him away towards the closet.  
As he trudged after her, he began to wonder why she was here. After they had collected everything, they went to a large table. "What motive do you want to do?" Lilian asked, pointing to some examples on the wall.  
Josh blushed and stuttered, "Um, if ... if you don‘t mind ... I would like to do the same motive .. as you do. I just don‘t see it on the wall."  
"That's because I designed the template myself," she explained. "Oh ..." Josh exclaimed and he hung his head. Lilian patted him on the shoulder encouragingly and replied: "Let me get the template". She went back to her seat and grabbed a rolled-up poster. Josh looked after her and was touched that she wanted to share the motif with him. "Thanks," he said as she reappeared next to him and began unrolling the poster. "No cause," she answered and waved her hand. Unfortunately, Josh was not nearly as talented as his fellow patient and his cloth was a failure. "Oh, don‘t be sad, Josh" Lilian tried to cheer him up "therefor you can play wonderful drums. If I would try to play, the Drum Kit would turn into a pile of scrap in no time."  
Josh's eyes went wide and he said in shock" You know who I am ?! "  
She looked at him confusedly," Um,Yes? "  
Josh backed away and his fear hit him with full force. "Did I do something wrong?" She asked. But Josh couldn‘t answer. The voice in his head screamed at him that Lilian was just another of those people who only cared for him because he was the drummer of Twenty One Pilots. Instead, he turned away and left her. As he walked through the glass door, he could see her face in the reflection of the glass, looking at him, sadly.  
Back at the station, Sally asked him how his trip to the creative department had gone. "Frustrating," Josh answered curtly and disappeared into his room


	2. I hope I'm not my only friend

When the nurse came in in the evening to check his medication, she asked him "Are you going to talk about what happened this afternoon?" Josh sighed and told her what happened. Sally listened to everything, then nodded and said "Tell me Josh, has Lilian been intrusive at some point, or given you any reason to think she's much friendlier to you than normal?"  
"No, not really" Josh had to admit. "  
Did she mention your talent for playing drums in connection with your band?" He had to deny, again.  
"She just wanted to cheer me up" he replied ruefully. "I don‘t know anymore, who I can trust. Every time somebody talks to me, I wonder if someone is talking only to the drummer, or to me as a human being. Especially when it comes to women, it drives me crazy."  
Sally nodded again. "I understand that. What should Lilian have done to take away your insecurity? "  
Josh's eyes widened and he realized he hadn‘t given her a chance.   
"She had no opportunity. " he mumbled. "I left, before she could do anything."   
The nurse patted him on the shoulder and replied, "Well then you have a topic at group therapy tomorrow, you can talk about." Josh groaned.   
"I wish you a nice evening" Sally replied and left his room.

The drummer hadn‘t expected much from the group therapy, and he was right. Most of them didn‘t comment on the problem, and the other feedbacks didn‘t help him neither. One of them said he should forget about the whole thing, cause it didn‘t matter what this freak wanted from him. Josh felt rage building up in his chest, because this tarted up chick, jugded Lilian without even knowing her.  
But then he remembered that he had also treated her unfair and wasn‘t a bit better.   
He was torn from his thoughts when he heard someone say, "Yeah, Kelly. And because you're the epitome of sanity, you're here with us in group therapy." He looked up and saw a young man of his age looking at Kelly defiantly. "Oh shut up, Gerard!"   
The therapist intervened to defuse the situation, but Josh didn‘t listen to what he said. He was busy looking at Gerard, who gave him a shy smile.  
The group therapy came to an end and the drummer was glad about the prospect of being able to retire to his room after lunch.   
"Jo..Josh?" He suddenly heard a voice behind him and turned around. Gerard stood in front of him and looked at him uncertainly. Josh gave him an encouraging smile and said, "Thank you for helping me in the group earlier." His counterpart got big eyes and muttered, "No cause. I hate people who judge others, just so they don‘t have to think about their own problems. "  
"Yeah, me too" the drummer replied. They walked in silence for a while, ending up with their food at a aloof table.  
When Josh was on his way back to his room, he was stopped by a caretaker, who handed him a small box. "Has been handed over here for you by another station" the man said. He stared in surprise at the little thing in his hands.  
Once in his room, he opened the box and revealed Lilian's alien silk cloth. A small piece of paper was laying on top of it, saying: "I'm sorry".   
Josh groaned. He had behaved like an idiot and Lilian apologized for been kind to him. He slipped the cloth through his fingers before deciding to hang it over his bed.  
Then he went to the creative department of the clinic to look for Lilian. He had to apologize to her. But she wasn‘t there. Inwardly, he cursed himself for not asking her which ward she was on and when he returned to his station, the caretaker who had given the box to him had already finished work.  
"Is everything okay, Josh?" Gerard asked, sitting down next to him at the table. He saw the honest concern in his eyes and replied, "No, not really. I tried to find Lilian this afternoon, after she left her alien silk cloth here for me - with an apology.  
God, I should apologize to her and I wanted to do that, but I didn‘t find her in the creative department and I don‘t know what ward she is. "  
"Oh, you talked about Lilian all the time?" Gerard retorted.   
"Do you know her?" Josh asked in surprise. , " Yes. And I know what ward she is " his fellow patient replied with a grin. The drummer raised a brow and his counterpart hurried to spit out the information.


	3. Silent in the trees

"She is at the PTSD station". Josh looked thoughtful. Even he knew you didn‘t just end up on the PTSD station, for no reason.   
"Have you ever talked to her?" he asked Gerard. He looked down shyly and muttered "Yeah. I was with her at the PTSD station for a while."Josh looked at him sympathetically and replied softly," Hey, that's no reason to be ashamed" and patted him gently on the shoulder. His counterpart relaxed again and looked gratefully at him.  
When Josh visited the PTSD station the next day, he was told that Lilian was not there. So he tried to find her at the creative department, but had no luck neither. So he decided to make a walk through the clinic park to get rid of his frustration. When he arrived at a small pond, where hardly anyone got lost, he saw someone sitting under one of the trees. As he approached, he realized it was Lilian who sat there with her eyes and closed and headphones in her ears.  
He stopped and didn‘t really know what to do. He didn‘t want to scare her.  
All of a sudden it was starting to rain so hard that you could hardly see anything in front of your eyes. Josh hastened under the tree, where Lilian looked up in surprise as she was struck by the first large raindrops that had found their way through the tree canopy. When the drummer suddenly appeared next to her, she jumped and raised her arm defensively, as if expecting a blow.  
"Sorry," he stammered, "I didn‘t mean to scare you." Lilian looked down and muttered, "It’s okay. I am basically very jumpy" and got up. Josh nodded understandingly. When all the fans and the hustle and bustle of the tour became too much for him, he was also jumpy like a bouncy ball.  
The rain pelted mercilessly from the sky and Josh, who was wearing only a tank top started to freeze. He looked at the wall of rain and wondered how long that cast would last, when he suddenly felt fabric on his shoulders and turned back to Lilian, who had took her leather jacket around his shoulders.   
"Thanks," he said with a shy smile, adding, "Actually, that's the part of the man."   
She smiled back shyly and replied, "Oh, I'm not that fussy."   
"Lilian, I wanted to apologize for being such an idiot in the creative department the other day" he began. "I was unfair to you. If you are Famous, then everyone is friendly to you and you have always ask yourself if they are like this, because they are interested in you as a human, or just because you are the drummer of Twenty One Pilots. That makes me totally insecure ".  
She nodded, „ I understand. But something like fame or fortune is fleeting. The only thing that lasts is the person. "He sighed and said," It would be nice if everyone would see it like you. "  
"Hm, I hate to tell you that, but that's a pious wish, Josh. Most people, prefer the beautiful appearance "and looked at him sadly.  
The rain had eased a bit and Lilian stepped out from under the tree. "Where do you want to go?" Josh asked in surprise. "I have to get back to my ward or I'll get into trouble"  
"May I accompany you?"  
Lilian turned to him and looked at him as if she had forgotten that he was there. "If you want ..." The drummer wondered why she was so sad, but he didn‘t have the courage to ask her. Instead, he said as he joined her, "Thank you for the silk cloth, by the way. You really gave me a beautiful gift "and smiled at her.  
" Never mind. If you like it, it serves its purpose, "she replied quietly, and a smile crossed her lips briefly before sinking back into her mind.  
"Lilian, why did you write on the enclosed note that you are sorry? You really didn‘t do anything wrong. I was the one who behaved like an idiot "Josh said, not wanting to let her slip away.  
"You are not an idiot. You were just scared. I scared you and I'm so sorry. "  
The drummer was startled. "But ..."   
She cutted him off: "Josh, don‘t think about it. I'm so accustomed to mess everything up, that I automatically apologize for everything I do."  
The obviousness with she said that, shook him and he wondered what had happened to her that she felt that way. But he didn‘t get the chance to ask her anymore because they had arrived at their station. Before she went through the door, Josh said, "Wait, your jacket" and wanted to take her off.   
But Lilian shook her head. "Take it, it's still raining. You can bring it back, when you’re up to." Then she was through the door. He stood in front of the entrance and didn‘t quite know what to think of her quick departure. Slowly he made his way to his station.


	4. And what I know, I must let go

As he walked along the corridor, Gerard came to meet him and got big eyes. "Josh, are you wearing Lilian's jacket?!" The drummer nodded in surprise.   
"You can be smug about it."  
"Why?"  
"Because it's her only jacket."  
" What?! "He immediately felt guilty. Gerard saw his worried look and replied, "Hey, you didn‘t know it. If you bring the jacket back tomorrow, it's all good, right? "  
Josh realized his fellow patient was right. They made an appointment for dinner before the drummer retreated to his room.

"Why does Lilian only have a jacket?" Josh asked as he sat with Gerard at their usual table. "Well, I can not tell you that exactly. She didn‘t have lots of stuff when she came to the PTSD station. "  
" Why? Didn‘t her family bring her? "Gerard's face turned into a bitter smile. "Josh, not everyone is loved by his family." The drummer sensed that his friend was not just referring to Lilian's family.  
He sighed and replied, "Yes I know. There shouldn‘t be anything like that. "His counterpart just shrugged. "Well, sadly it does, because sometimes the world is just shit. You think it's normal to be treated like a piece of filth because you don‘t know it otherwise. "  
"Nobody deserves to be treated like a piece of filth" commented Josh. "You‘re really cute. I wish I'd met you earlier, before my dad beat that last bit of self-esteem out of me "Gerard replied, staring at the floor.  
The drummer walked around the table and put his arm around the shoulders of the younger man. "Hey, even though we've just gotten to know each other, it's never too late to realize that you're worth something." Gerard started to cry and Josh hugged him.  
At that moment, Kelly entered the cafeteria, came over and mocked: "How sweet: The crybaby found his mommy" The drummer looked at her in anger and growled: "Fuck off, powder puff!"   
"Well, rather a powder puff, as such a fucked Emo Punk, like you and your crybaby here. Not to mention your freak from the other station "  
Josh was about to get up and start to scream at Kelly when a nurse came in and asked in a stern tone "What's going on ?!"   
Before Kelly could say anything, the drummer spoke up "We're molested by her and would be very happy if she could leave us alone. "  
The nurse looked at the young woman and her stubby face. "I just ..." she began, but the nurse interrupted her. "I heard exactly what you said. You know what Doctor Harrisburg said to you? "  
"Yes," she gave in sheepishly and pulled a pout. The nurse was unimpressed and replied, "Well then leave, please" She turned and was seconds later through the door. The nurse turned her gaze back to Gerard and Josh. "Are you okay?" The two nodded mutely and the drummer felt Gerard still shaking in his arms.

When the two of them sat on the bed later in Josh's room, Gerard looked at the silk cloth on the wall. "It looks really great" he said softly. The drummer nodded with a grin.   
"By the way, do you know that Lilian plays ukulele, like your friend Tyler?" his guest remarked.  
"No, I didn‘t know that". Then Josh realized that Gerard had mentioned Tyler and he felt the old fear and insecurity squeezing his chest. "You..you know our band?"  
Gerard saw the panic in his eyes. He grabbed the drummer's hand, squeezed it lightly and replied, "Yes, I know Twenty One Pilots and I must confess I like your music a lot, but I assure you I’m interested in you as a human being."  
He squeezed his hand again, reassuringly and Josh could see the honesty in his eyes. " Lilian has said something similar to me" Josh replied and smiled faintly at his counterpart. He smiled back and answered: " You can believe one thing: Lilian means what she says. And she's definitely not someone who gets impressed by any superficiality. I think having a variety of bad life experiences, like her and me, gives you a deeper sense of what really matters. "  
The drummer nodded and asked cautiously, "Do you know what has happened to her?"   
Gerard looked at him for a while and replied "Well, the only thing I can tell you is, that it was cruel beyond measure. She was brought to the station by a police patrol and she didn‘t leave her room for weeks. I heard her screaming sometimes at night, because she had violent nightmares. And the doctors even had to strap her to the bed sometimes, because she had very violent flashbacks. "  
"Oh my god" Josh muttered. „ In the beginning, she left her room only in company of a nurse and began to shake violently when another patient came along in the corridor. If it was a man, she got devastating panic attacks. Most of the other patients were afraid of her and they wanted anything to do with her, but I wasn‘t shocked by her violent reactions. Months went by until she could change a few sentences with me, without getting any breakdown.  
It took her over a year of hard work to become like you've met her in the creative department. "  
Josh ran a hand over his face and said quietly: "She must have gone through incredible things ..."   
Then he realized that Gerard had to be here for at least a year, if he knew Lilian so long. He looked at his fellow patient and asked cautiously, "Gerard, may I ask ..."   
"For what reason I’m here for so long?" His guest finished the sentence for him.  
Josh nodded and bit his lower lip.   
Gerard took a deep breath and answered in a quavering voice: "I .. I was raped ... by ... a ... group…of men. And, and was beaten to a inch of life."   
The drummer clapped his hand over his mouth and his eyes widened in shock. Gerard's eyes filled with tears and Josh didn‘t hesitate to hug him and whispering softly calming words of encouragement.


	5. before you know it, time is slowing and it's frozen still

The drummer layed in bed this evening, Gerard's words whirling around in his head and creating gruesome pictures. The longer he thought about it, the more he felt like an total idiot. He had really thought he had problems... but Gerard's and Lilian's fate showed him in a cruelly way, what it meant to stand at a abyss and staring into a bottomless pit, being on the verge of madness.

The next morning, the drummer was staring into his cereal bowl, when Gerard sat down at the table and made a worried face. "Good morning Josh, are you okay?"  
"Um, not really ..."   
Fear flared up in the eyes of his friend. "Is..is it .. because of wa..what I’ve told you ye.. yesterday ..?"  
Josh looked at him in surprise. "No!.... Well, not really. I just feel like a crybaby, with my unimportant problems when I think about what you've been through. "  
Gerard looked at him for a while and replied" Josh, your fear and insecurity are just as real and important as mine. It's not about who has the greater right to be broken. The causes may be completely different, but in the end, you feeling the same."  
Gerard's words touched him and when his counterpart laughed sadly he couldn‘t hold back the tears. His friend hugged him and Josh whispered in a trembling voice "Thank you."  
After the drummer had calmed down a bit, Gerard asked, "Hey Josh, would you like to visit Lilian today after the therapy?" A smile crossed Josh's face and he nodded silently.

So the two made their way to the PTSD station in the afternoon. Once there, they spoke in the nurses' room. "Oh Gee, nice to see you again. Who did you bring with you? " the nurse was asking." Gerard grinned like a honey cake horse and replied: "Nelly, this is Josh. Josh, Nurse Nelly "The two shook hands and Gerard continued," Nelly, could we visit Lilian? "The smile instantly faded from her face. "That's not possible,at the moment" she said.  
While Josh was just confused, his fellow patient was downright alarmed. "Nelly, please tell me what happened." The nurse hesitated a bit and then continued slowly, "I'm telling you this because I know how much you and Lilian helped each other." Gerard nodded and Nelly said:  
"Yesterday, a new patient had a violent flash back and started beating himself. The fatal thing was, that Lilian was around when it happened and he attacked her. Of course we intervened immediately, but unfortunately we couldn‘t prevent her from getting a few punches. At first it looked like she coped quite well with the incident, but when I checked on her half an hour later I found her apathetic in the bathroom with a razor blade in her hand. She had deep wounds on her arms. And you know what that means. "  
Gerard nodded silently and lowered his eyes. The nurse laid his hand encouragingly on his shoulder and suggested: You know what? I will call your new ward, when you can visit Lilian again, okay? "Gerard nodded and the two left the station. As soon as they were outside, Josh asked, "What did Nelly mean when she said you knew what that meant?"  
Gerard looked at him and the drummer could see that he was about to burst into tears. "There are special rooms on the station. If someone has a flashback or is otherwise a danger to themselves or others, you end up in one of these rooms. These rooms look like rubber cells and do not even have a bed. Instead they have anchored straps in the ground to fix the people if necessary. You don‘t even get a blanket because you could strangle yourself with. The rooms are also 24 hours video-monitored. "  
A cold chill was running down Joshs back as he imagined Lilian tied to the ground. His friend had begun to cry silently. He looked at him worriedly and asked, "Gee ...?" His friend sobbed: "They send them back to hell, they send them back to this hell ..." Josh got big eyes and he realized that Gerard knew more about Lilian, as he had thought. " What do you mean?"  
His co-patient looked at him desperately and replied, "Lilian, ... Lilian was abducted by a sadist who kept her trapped in his basement for months and doing unspeakable things to her." Joshs blood froze in his veins. "And now, ... and now she's tied up again in a room ..."   
"We have to go back and tell them," the drummer said, and was about to turn around when Gerard held him back and said, "They know."  
"What ?!" he was speechless. " But, but…"  
"They have no choice."  
Now he couldn‘t hold back the tears. anymore. The feeling of helplessness carried away the last bit of self-restraint. And so Josh and Gerard stood in the park, hugging each other in mourning over the cruelty of the world.


	6. Somebody catch my breath

The days went by without a message from the PTSD station. Actually, Josh should have been pleased by the fact, that Tyler came to visit him today, but he somehow just felt hollow and lifeless. Therefore, it wasn‘t surprising when Tyler was slightly shocked when he saw him.   
"Hey Jishwa, what's up Buddy? You look terrible. Shouldn‘t the therapiy make you feel better? "  
Josh just looked at him silently and shrugged. Tyler hugged him intently and whispered in his ear. " Sorry Jish, please talk to me."  
The drummer looked at him as he pulled away from the embrace and mumbled" Yeah, okay. Let's go to a walk in the park, please. "  
After quietly walking side by side for a while, Tyler asked again "Josh, whats going on in your mind? Why are you so sad?"   
His friend sighed and began to tell him about Lilian and Gerard. "Ty, why is the world so cruel?   
"Because to many assholes are running around." his friend said. "The only thing we can do, is to act differently. "   
„Ty, I would love to help them. They didn‘t deserve this hell. "  
The singer sighed, "Jishwa, you are one of the most warm-hearted people I know, and your love and compassion for others in all honors, but you should take care of your own hell in the first place." Josh was about to say something back, when something caught his attention.  
"That's not possible ... Lilian" Before Tyler could realize what was going on, Josh left him and walked to a tree, standing lonely at a pond.  
Below sat a woman with her head resting on her knees and staring absent-mindedly at the water surface. The wind played with their bleached hair, with remains of fading purple and blue dye. The dark circles under her eyes made a stark contrast to the paleness of her skin. Her hoodie doesn’t keep her warm enough, cause she was slightly trembling.  
Josh knelt cautiously in front of her and said softly, "Hello Lilian. I'm so glad to see you again. "  
It took her a few seconds to realize who was sitting in front of her. She jerked back and hit hard against the tree and her eyes widened in fear "I'm sorry, I'm sorry ..." she began to stammer hastily and raised her arms defensively, as if she expected Josh to hit her.   
The sight broke the drummer's heart and he put his hands gently on Lilian's bandaged arms and said quietly: "Lilian, everything is okay, it's all good, ..." But his reassurance attempts had no effect. She tried to curl up and he could hear her breathing becoming more and more irregular.  
He knew from personal experience what that meant. She was on her way to a gigantic panic attack.  
He pulled her arms apart and put his hands around her face so she had to look at him and said, "Lil 'look at me, look at me, Lil'. Seeing her react, he continued, "I'm counting to eight now. At one you breathe in, at two you exhale, and so on. So, one. "He could hear her desperately trying to breathe. "Two." He saw that she was trying to follow his instructions and kept counting. He began gently stroking her hair. When he realized that her breathing was slowly stabilizing, he carefully took her in his arms and gently stroked her back while he kept counting. She was shaking in his arms and he felt her heart beat wildly against his chest. After a while, Josh felt her carefully placing her head in the crook of his neck and her body relaxing noticeably. "I'm sorry," she whispered softly. "You don’t need to be" he whispered back in a warm voice.

"Um, Josh?" They suddenly heard a voice behind them. Ah, damn it. Tyler. The drummer had completely forgotten about him. Before he knew it, Lilian broke away from him and jumped to his feet. Panicking, she looked back and forth between Josh and Tyler and took off before one of the two could say anything, and was gone.  
"Argh Tyler, that was crappy timing," growled the drummer. "Sorry. Shall we follow her? "His friend shook his head. "No. I think it's better we go back to my station."

After Tyler left, he made his way to the PTSD station. Nelly was back at the reception. When she saw Josh, she smiled. "Hello Nelly," he greeted her. "Say, would it be okay to visit Lilian?"   
"I'll have to ask," she said and picked up the phone. After a short conversation, she said, "It's okay. A keeper is about to come and take you to her.“  
As he waited, he asked, "Why didn‘t you call our ward that we could visit Lilian again?"   
"Well, this you should ask Lilian." The answer irritated the drummer, but he let it go, for now.

At Lilian's door, Josh knocked and heard a soft "Come in." When he entered the room, he found Lilian sitting in a chair in front of the desk. She was closing a journal, turning to him with a shy smile, pointing to her bed, where the drummer sat down. "I’m s .." she wanted to begin but he jumped her in the word. "No, Lilian. I am sorry. I didn‘t meant to scare you, and Tyler either. "  
" Oh, it was Tyler? I ... I didn‘t notice that in my panic" she admitted quietly. "He'll probably thinks now, I'm the biggest maniac, alive." She sighed and added with a dull smile, "Okay, I'm a maniac."  
"Lil ', you’re not. What you went through ... "   
" What does that mean? "she interrupted him. In this moment, Josh realized that he had said too much. Why couldn‘t he just keep his mouth shut. He could literally see how Lilian was thinking. Then she got big eyes and whispered, "Gerard ..." She looked at him and the pain in her eyes stabbed his heart. "Why?" She whispered in a shaking voice more to herself and on the brim of tears.  
"Lilian, I'm sorry. He didn‘t tell me any details, "Josh tried to save the situation somehow, but it was too late.  
Tears ran down her cheeks quietly as she got up and opened the door. "I think it's better if you leave now." He got up and followed her request, but stopped at the door and begged, "Lilian, please. I'm really sorry. "  
Josh reached for her, but she backed away. "You don‘t need to be sorry. I'm nothing more than a dirty, battered puppet that everyone can kick. "  
" Lil 'no ... "the drummer wanted to protest, but she looked at him with lifeless eyes and said murmuring: " Please go."  
As soon as he was through the door, she slammed it shut. Only quiet sobs were heard through the wood.


	7. Holding on to you

When he got back to his station, Gerard came to meet him. His smile faded cause Josh looked like a dying duck in a thunderstorm. "Hey Jish, where have you been? What happened?"  
The drummer looked at him with teary eyes and confessed to him how he messed up big time.  
"Oh my, dear ...that's what I call a total disaster" slipped out of Gerards mouth. Josh pulled a tormented face and Gerard knew that his friend was already crestfallen enough. "Phew, I'll go over there and try to talk to her tomorrow"  
"Do you think she will listen to you?" Josh asked uncertainly, biting his lower lip. Gerard grinned and replied, "Jish, don‘t forget, I know Lilian for a while. It will not be easy to get her out of her shell, but I will not let her shut herself off again. In the end, we fight all with the same question: who can we really trust? Who accepts us for our own sake - even the broken parts in us? "  
Josh nodded and smiled. " You're right."

Before Gerard and Josh could go to the PTSD station the next day, they had to endure group therapy. The therapist looked around and announced, "I thought I'd start announcing who's leaving us by the end of this week. There would be Nathan, Silvie and ... Gerard" While the first two smiled, Gerard turned pale and froze. Josh looked back and forth in shock between the therapist and his friend. "Oh, what a tragedy. The lovers are going tob e separated "mocked Kelly.  
"That was not very constructive" the therapist reminded her. She just shrugged indifferently. Then he turned to Gerard. "You knew that day would come, Gerard. Your progress has been so good lately that we're sure you're ready to go back into the world. "  
"I'm not so sure about that" Gerard replied softly.  
"Gerard, you've been here for almost two years now. Don‘t you think your family will finally want you back? "He began to tremble and stammered" N ... no, ... they .. they... don‘t want me ... back. They… think I'm just ... nothing more… than a whore. "  
"Well, they‘re right" Kelly was heard again. This time, Josh's had enough, growling "You know what Kelly?! How about if you would fuck off. You have only ridicule for all of us, and I can‘t remember ever hearing anything meaningful from you."  
"You'd like that light bulb. Just because you have yellow hair and can beat on a few drums, like a monkey doesn‘t mean you have something to tell me! " she hissed back.  
Josh was about to counter when he felt a light touch on his arm. He turned and saw Gerard sitting there with wide open eyes, gasping for air. The drummer reacted immediately. He pulled Gerard out of the chair and left the room with him.  
Out in the hallway, he put him on a bench and said, "Gee, look at me. One: Take a breath. Two: exhale. His friend nodded weakly and Josh began to count .... In the meantime there was yelling in the group therapy room, but neither Josh nor Gerard had time to worry about it.  
Slowly Gerard began to breathe more calmly, but at the same time he burst into tears and whimpered: "Josh, I can‘t go back to my family. They think I deserve what happened to me. "The drummer was shocked" Why? " "Before this incident, I was quite a party animal and my parents always condemned that.  
They said if something bad happen to me, then I would deserve it and don‘t need to reckon with their support. Well, they kept their word: They haven‘t visited me once. Neither in the hospital nor here. "  
Josh squeezed his friend closer as he remembered what Gerard had said to him some time ago. ‚Not everyone is loved by his family.‘ Then he looked at him and said, "Tell me, have you ever thought about what it would be like to live in Columbus, Ohio?" Gerard's eyes widened, "What do you mean?" The drummer grinned and explained, "I have a small apartment in Columbus that I use only when I visit my parents. It has two bedrooms and I always regreted that it‘s mostly unused. If you want, you can live there for free and start a new life - as my roommate, if you want. "  
"Are you serious? You really want to do this you for me?" His friend replied, touched deeply bursting into tears again. „Sure“the drummer replied.He hugs Josh as hard as he can until he gasps for air. "Sorry," Gerard muttered, but the drummer grinned at him and he could not help but grin back.


	8. So I stopped by to let you know

As they were on their way to Lilian, Gerard asked, "Thank you for helping me with my panic attack. How do you know what to do? "  
" That's because I'm suffering from them myself "Josh replied with a contrite smile. His friend nodded and patted his shoulder encouragingly.  
"Lilian had one yesterday, too" the drummer added.  
" What?! When? You visited her? "  
"No, in the afternoon at the park."  
„But… weren’t you at the park with Tyler? "  
"Yes. We were walking through the park and there she sat under a tree by the pond. "  
He told him about the whole incident and Gerard's jaw dropped.  
"Wow. You seem to be more special to her, than I thought"  
"What do you mean?" Josh asked confused.  
"Well Lilian, as far as I know, has never let anyone hug her. Not even me. "  
"Really?"  
"Really."

Contrary to their original plan, they entered the ward together and were sent to their room. Gerard quietly opened the door. Lilian sat with her back to them and was busy to tune a ukulele, so she didn‘t perceive the two until they were behind her. Lilian flinched so much that she straddled the string, which cracked with a whipping sound and nearly hit her face. "Damn!" She cursed, "Do you really need to scare me like this!"  
"Sorry" said they replayed in unison. Lilian looked contrite on the now useless ukulele. "Well, that's it, then" as she ran her index finger over a crack in the wood. She got up and placed the instrument resigned in the corner next to a bin. "I can get you a new ukulele" Josh offered, but Lilian shook her head.  
" I have no money. It was a total coincidence anyway when I found the ukulele in a shrubbery. Maybe she just wasn‘t meant for me, "and shrugged. Josh wanted to say something, but Lilian asked "What are you both doing, here?"   
"Well, Jish told me yesterday about your conversation and how unhappy it was," Gerard began, smiling mischievously as he scratched the back of his head. "So, has he? " she commented, looking from one to the other. "And to tell me this, you come here?"   
"No. We wanted to apologize to you. "Lilian raised an eyebrow. "Lil 'I didn‘t want to betray your trust when I told Josh why you were here. I just wanted to help him to understand why you‘re so anxious, sometimes. None of us had the intention to hurt you. "  
Josh nodded in agreement and looked at her with his warm brown eyes. Gerard's eyes sparkled like liquid gold.  
The two looked so cute with their doggy eyes, that Lilian couldn‘t help but smile and replied with a sigh: "You both really know how to act, so I can‘t be mad at you anymore, right?"  
The two smiled back and the three went to the garden of the station where they made themselves comfortable in a sitting area. It was a pleasant conversation until Gerard mentioned his release. Lilian's eyes went wide and her hands began to tremble. She tried to hide her under the table while Gee enthusiastically told her what offer Josh had made him.  
However, Josh had not missed Lilian's reaction and he looked at her worriedly. Carefully, he reached under the table and gently took her left hand in his. She looked up in surprise and saw into the drummer's warm amber eyes, which reflected understanding and affection. Now Gerard noticed that something was odd and looked from Josh to Lilian. "Is something wrong?" He asked confused. Lilian looked at him with wet eyes: "I ... I ..." but her voice broke and she jumped up and wanted to leave, but something held her back. Josh still held her hand and stroked gently and reassuringly over the back of her hand. She looked at him confused and Gerard took the time to approach her. "Lil, I’ll don‘t forget you. I come to visit you and Josh. You are like a family to me." She looked lost at him and silent tears ran down her cheeks. Gee took all his courage and hugged his friend carefully. His surprise couldn‘t have been greater when he felt her arms closing timidly around him to squeeze him in, seconds later. "I have to be released, so you'll hug me" Gerard whispered softly. "I was scared" he heard her tearfully whisper. "You never need to be scared again, with me and Josh as your friends" he announced, and as if on command, Lilian felt Josh hug her and Gerard from behind. She would have liked to drown in the warmth of the two bodies and the scent of coconut and sandalwood soothed her troubled soul. Lilian wished nothing more than to be able to remain forever in this safety and security.


	9. And it's time you pick your battle, and I promise you this is mine

Gerard's day of release came way too fast. At least for Josh and Lilian. The drummer hadn‘t only given his friend the keys to his apartment in Columbus, but had also given him a smartphone. And as if this hadn‘t been enough, he had given him some start-up capital that Gee could repay him, when he got a job in Columbus and earned his own income. "Oh Jish, I don‘t know how I can ever thank you for your support and faith in me" he said, touched. Josh smiled sheepishly and waved. "Hey no problem, Gee." His friend squeezed him so hard that the drummer gasped again.  
Lilian had followed the scene with a heavy heart and felt somehow terribly out of place. Josh had done so much for Gerard and she? She didn‘t have anything to offer him, really. When he turned to her, she looked guiltily to the ground and pulled out a packet from behind her back. "I know, it's nothing special, but I hope I can still enjoy it." Gerard accepted the package and replied softly: "Of course it's something special. It's from you" and smiled at her. Then he opened the gift wrapped in newspaper. It was a hand-knitted long scarf. Gray and black fields alternated, and at the ends were long black fringes.  
"Wow Lil, did you knit it yourself?" She nodded and Gee tied him proudly around his neck. He said, "Just the right thing for the cold winters in Ohio," and seconds later, she found herself in a hug as tight as Josh's a few minutes before. Then, suddenly, she was released by Gerard who asked, "Lil, how did you pay for the wool?" She got big eyes and froze. He got no answer and so he looked her up and down. An expression of realization flashed across his face as he asked, "Lil, where is your bat chain? And your wolf ring? I haven‘t seen them for a while. " She remained silent, again, looking tot he ground. Josh, who didn‘t fully understand the problem, asked "What is this about?"  
Gerard looked at him sadly and explained: "You have to pay in the creative department for the material that you use up. The prices are much cheaper than in a normal store, but even those can be a problem for patients who have no money. "Josh looked from Gerard to Lilian and he understood. "Oh no" slipped out of his mouth. "Lilian, did you sell your jewelry to give me and Gee the presents?"  
She starts to tremble as she answered, "It's okay. You both are absolutely worthy it "and struggled with tears. The two men embraced her intimately and she was so grateful to them.  
A horn tore the three apart when Gerard's cab pulled up. But before he got in, he put a pendant around the neck of a surprised Lilian. "No, that's your talisman, I ..." she began to protest, but he smiled at her cutting in: "You are my talisman, now " and looked at his friends with bright eyes.  
The two of them stared silently at the taxi, which slowly lost itself in the distance. Lilian was grateful to feel Josh's strong arm holding her in a secure hug. What she wasn‘t aware of: Josh did feel the same with her arm around his waist. She stroked his ribs gently, lost in thought, and he lost himself in the security of that delicate gesture.

 

Josh had to admit that the loss of Gerard had hit him more than he liked. Without him, he felt lost on the ward. He spent more time in his room and was happy when he could use his phone for an hour to talk to Gerard in the evening. As he was about to hand his phone back to the nurse, he was nearly shocked, when he suddenly saw Lilian coming down the hall. He knew how much overcoming it cost them to move on unfamiliar terrain and he could see the fear in their eyes.  
"Hey Lil," he pointed out cautiously, but still couldn‘t avoid her flinching. However, when she realized who had addressed her, a smile appeared on her face and she embraced Josh in relief. He hugged her, whispering in her ear "Thank you for visiting me. I am so proud of you for your courage"and hugged her a little harder. "Thank you" she replied timidly, adding "For you, always. I haven‘t seen you since Gerard's departure and worried about you." The drummer looked guilty as he realized that 5 days had passed: „Lil 'I'm sorry if you worried about me.“  
Josh took her by the hand and led her to his room. Lilian smiled as she saw her silk cloth hanging over his bed. "What an honor" she said softly. The drummer smiled warmly at her and replied, "Glory to whom credit is due." It was hard to say who blushed more. They sat on his bed and leaned their backs against the wall. "How are you doing without Gee?" She asked and Josh knew he didn‘t have to fool her. "I miss him terribly" he confessed. "I got you. I miss him too." She smiled understandingly and gently stroked his cheek as she continued," Jishwa, don‘t be sad. It's almost Christmas, and then you can visit your family and Gerard in Columbus." He made big eyes. In his grief he had totally forgotten. It was end of November. His mood brightened and he said joyfully, "Oh Lil, if I didn‘t have you! I totally forgot that. " She smiled warmly at him, but there was something else he couldn‘t quite interpret. "That reminds me, Tyler's birthday next week."  
"Well, if you want, you can buy him something in the creative department store. There are sometimes really great things there "  
" That's a good idea. Do you want to take a look together, tomorrow?" Josh suggested and Lilian nodded in agreement. A short time later she had to make her way back and the drummer accompanied her to the exit of his station. "I'm looking forward to tomorrow" he told her goodbye. "Me too" she replied, looking at him with this mysterious expression, again .

 

Lilian sighed as she turned in bed for the umpteenth time because she couldn‘t sleep. Resigned, she switched on the bedside lamp and rested her eyes on the photo, leaning against the lamp. Gerard and Josh were grinning from ear to ear, while she has managed only a shy smile. She missed Gerard, but it filled her with pride that he had found his way back to life.  
And Josh? He was the loveliest person she had ever met. She knew that it was his kindness that made him so vulnerable. But Josh had a family and friends who were there for him. And with Gerard, he had a roommate now, who would protect him with his whole being. The only completely useless person was her.  
"YOU ARE NOTHING MORE THAN A PIECE OF SHIT. WORTHLESS, AND A WASTE OF LIFE!!! "HIS voice suddenly boomed in her head and took Lilian's breath away. She could feel HIS foul breath on her skin and his rough hands were brutally reaching for her. She started to scream and to fight. Seconds later, the door to her room flew open and two attendants stormed in. But she saw only HIM. HE was back to hurt her. One of the orderlies tried hard to hold her so that his colleague could inject her a sedative. But she only felt HIS hands on her body, burning like fire. Lilian's field of vision began to narrow and the last thing she saw before she lost consciousness was HIS red-eyed, hate-filled eyes ....

 

When Josh wanted to go to sleep that night and put his right arm under his pillow, he felt something underneath it and pulled it out. He looked at his find in surprise and then shook his head. He held Gerard's talisman in his hand. Lilian had known very well that he would never accept it, if she offered the pendant personally to him.

When he entered Lilian's station the next day, he found her in the garden. His face formed a worried expression as he saw her condition. Her face was pale and she had dark circles under her eyes that seemed lifeless to stare into space. Her whole body was limp in the garden chair, as if she were a puppet with the threads cut off. "Lilian?" He addressed her cautiously.  
She turned to him and it took her a while to realize who was standing in front of her. Then she gave him a tired smile and said softly, "Hello Josh, good that you're there. Shall we go?" He looked at her doubtfully and asked "Are you sure you feel well enough? You look so exhausted, sweetheart." She nodded silently and staggered out of the chair. The drummer was immediately at her side to support her and said "Lil 'what happened?"   
"I had a flashback last night."  
"I'm sorry" Josh responded sympathetically, hugging her closer. "It's okay" she tried to appease him and gently broke away from him. He wasn‘t supposed to got stained by her filthy body, she didn‘t want his soul to be drawn into her abyss of darkness.  
They made their way to the creative department in silence. Even though Josh knew that Lilian wasn‘t up to talking, he gently took her by the hand and squeezed it every now and then. Lilian found it hard to accept even this subtle gesture of support, yet she was very grateful to Josh.

As the two entered the creative shop, the drummer realized that Lilian hadn‘t promised too much. After some browsing he also found the ideal gift for Tyler. It was an artfully formed tree of clay on whose branches you could hang leaves that were described with different feelings.  
"That's a mood tree," the saleswoman told the drummer and hung one of the leaves on the tree. He was able to read "self esteem" on it. He started to grin and could almost see the tree standing in Tyler's studio on his desk. "Lilian, what do you think ..." he began and turned around, but she was no longer standing next to him. He looked around the room and saw her standing in front of a flared ukulele.  
"Do you know who made the ukulele?" He heard her ask and the seller replied, "It was an older patient who was a maker of plucked string instruments. He had dementia and built a series of instruments here during his stay to re-activate his memories. The ukulele is the last piece we have of him. "  
"She is a beautiful piece of conserved knowledge, "she responded reverently, stroking the instrument tenderly. "You can try them if you want," suggested the salesman, but Lilian shook her head. "I couldn‘t afford it" she confessed sadly and turned away.  
Lilian wanted to join Josh again, but when she realized he had been watching the scene, she jumped as if he had caught her doing something illegal. Josh saw her ashamed look and walked up to her. He could literally feel herself struggling for composure. Before he could say anything, she asked, "Did you find something for Tyler?" "Yes" he replied, trying to smile at her encouragingly. He showed Lilian the mood tree and she also thought he was a nice present. Josh bought it and they made their way back to PTSD Station. In front of the entrance, Josh pulled Gerard's talisman out of his pocket and said, "Lil 'you forgot Gee's necklace, yesterday" and wanted to give it back. But she made no move to accept pendant. She looked from the talisman to Josh and replied, "I didn‘t forget him. You deserve Gerard's talisman more than me.“  
" Lil ... "the drummer wanted to protest, but she continued "You've done more for Gee than I ever could. And I don’t talk about the money. Gerard is a special person, just like you, Josh. And you both have a beautiful soul. I have nothing like this to offer. "  
She wanted to turn away, but the drummer held her back. "Lilian, that's not true. Gee really appreciates you, so he gave you the talisman." She began to shake her head in disbelief and try to break away from him. "And I like you too, Lilian. You're a great person, "he added. Her eyes widened in sheer panic and she managed to release herself from Josh's grip. She backed away as the drummer continued to walk toward her. "Lil ', I know you are afraid to believe that anyone can appreciate you ..."  
"Enough!" She suddenly yelled at him. "You can‘t value anyone who is worthless, okay? I didn‘t deserve you or Gee. "  
"Lil '" he tried to contradict and wanted to hug her, but she pushed him away and growled: "Don‘t come too close, Josh. My soul is far too dark for you. Stay in the light" and was through the door.  
Josh remained stunned. It wasn‘t just her words that hurt him. It was rather what he had seen in her eyes. Shame, despair, fear.


	10. Spending hours on end, deciding what I'd say to a friend if I ever saw him again

"Gee, I need your advice" the drummer told his friend on the phone after asking about Gerad's news and telling him about the day's events. There was silence for a while at the other end of the line before Gerard replied, "I think she really likes you Josh. Otherwise she wouldn‘t have reacted so violently. As crazy as it sounds, she wants to protect you. "  
" Gee, what the hell is she trying to protect me, against?!“ " Against her demons, Josh. Against this dark storm in her that she can‘t control. "  
" But she doesn‘t have to" the drummer replied. "That doesn‘t matter in Lilian's reality. She protects those who are close to her heart - even from herself. I didn‘t tell you, but when I was with her at the PTSD ward, a fellow patient attacked me. Lilian protected me and attacked my attacker. She could keep him away from me long enough for a group of nurses to arrive. Nothing happened to me, but Lilian had a broken arm and a concussion because she was thrown against the wall. She didn‘t want to accept my thanks and only said that he couldn‘t do much harm to her, unlike me. "  
Josh was beginning to realize what Gerard was trying to say. "So you mean, that Lilian has no self-preservation urge?"  
" Approximately. She has no self-esteem. That's why she gave you my talisman. For them, your feelings are more important than their own. And that you were watching the scene with the ukulele, probably scared her. She thought that you could despise her because she has no money.“   
"But that's not true!" Josh moaned in frustration. "What do you think I should do now?"   
"Make her feel that you are still there for her. Best of all, you write her a letter and then let her take the next step, if she feels safe enough. "  
" That's a good idea. Thanks, Gee. "

He spent the rest of the evening writing the letter to Lilian. The drummer was not as good with words as Tyler, but he tried his best, and when he set his pen aside, far after midnight, he couldn‘t help feeling a little proud of himself. Just to hope that Lilian get the letter as he was meant.  
He took him to the PTSD station the next morning and was aware that he could only wait. Following an intuition, he asked Nelly about Lilian's birthday and was surprised to learn that she also had her birthday in December. He didn‘t have to think twice what he wanted to give Lilian and was half an hour later with a big smile on his face and a very special ukulele under his arm on the way back to his station.  
The days dragged on without him hearing anything from Lilian. His only consolation was his evening talks with Gerard. No one else could understand why Lilian was important to him. Even the psychologist on the ward had warned him to focus more on his own issues.  
"I miss you, Gee. I miss Lil" the drummer confessed to his friend on the phone.  
"I miss you too, Jish. You know what?! I'll come up with something to lure Lil out of the reserve" Gerard replied, before they had to end the call.  
And his friend kept his word: Three days later, in the early afternoon, he tucked his head into Josh's room and announced with a grin, "Hey Mister Dun, no hanging around here, without my permission." The drummer almost jumped out of bed in surprise and delight "Gee!" he shouted and hugged him so tight that he gasped for air. Both grinned widely and Gerard asked: "Any news from Lil?" The smile faded from Josh's face and he sadly shook his head: "No, unfortunately not."  
"Okay, so I've considered this: I'll visit her and see how she's doing and try to talk to her."  
"Do you think it will help?" The drummer asked uncertainly.  
"Well, it‘s definitely worth a try and definitely better than to do nothing." Josh nodded in agreement.  
"Would you mind giving me the pendant I gave Lilian?"  
"Of course, not" he replied, handing the talisman over to his friend. As Gerard made his way to the PTSD station, Josh asked uncertainly, "You'll be back, right?"  
Gerard smiled warmly at him and said softly, "Of course, I will" and hugged his friend tightly.


	11. And now I just sit in silence

When he saw Nelly's expression change from a smile to dismay, he knew immediately something was wrong with Lilian. "Nelly, what happened?" He asked directly without worrying about small talk. After some hesitation, she began "There was an incident in the group therapy. Lilian told the others about Josh's letter and a fellow patient freaked out and insulted her as a whore, then attacked her and strangled her. The orderlies were quickly by her side, but had great trouble to detach him of Lilian. We had to take her to the hospital because her hyoid had broken, her trachea was torn and even her vocal cords were injured. "Gerard was appalled:" Where is she now? How is she? "She has been here since yesterday, but she is in a very bad mental state. She refuses to leave her room and suffers from the fact that she can‘t speak at the moment. She's communicating with us in writing when we ask her something. However, she usually doesn‘t answer us and just turns away. "   
"Nelly, please let me see her! Maybe she's talking to me. "  
The nurse looked at him thoughtfully and replied, "That might be just the right thing. We can‘t reach out to her anymore. "She let Gerard pass and he gently knocked on Lilian's door before cautiously entering. She lay on her bed apathetically, staring into space.  
"Lilian?" He said gently, but she didn‘t respond. Slowly he crossed the room and carefully sat down beside her at the edge of the bed. "Lilian" he tried again with a gentle voice and began to stroke her hair carefully. She was far away. At an other place. And this place was not nice. It was dark and cold - and cruel. Gerard knew that too well.  
She began to move under his touch. When he saw her panic-stricken eyes, he said softly: „It's me Lil. Gerard.“ Seconds later, she recognized him and pulled him close as if her life depended on him. He embraced her deeply and stroked her back reassuringly as he whispered barely audibly "Lil, it's all good. Josh and I will take care of you". She pulled away from him, reached for the notepad on her bedside table, and wrote, 'Josh and you deserve a better friend than a broken wreck like me.' Gerard shrugged unimpressed, and returned with a grin, ' I think Josh and I can decide for ourselves which wrecks we want to be friends with. And you‘re definitely our number one"  
Lilian looked at him in confusion before bursting into silent laughter. "I like you so much better. You have a charming smile and should show it a lot more often" her friend commented, gently brushing her cheek with a smile. She turned bright red and smiled shyly back. 'You're a real sweetheart, do you know that, Gee?' She wrote down.  
"You too, Lil. And you can be proud of that. You, Josh and I are each broken in our own ways, but we also see the beauty in each other. Josh really likes you a lot, Lil." She bowed her head and wrote ‘ I know. He's such a adorable person and I'm so scared I'll infect him with my darkness, hurting him, without wanting it.‘ Gerard squeezed her hand sympathetically "Lil, tell me one thing: how much do you like him ? "  
She began to move restlessly and wrote: 'More than I want to admit to myself. But what can I offer him? I'm not pretty, I have no money and I'm not even sure if I can leave the clinic without getting a gigant break down! And Josh? He is the drummer of Twenty One Pilots, loved by thousands of people, has a caring family and friends. Gee, let’s be realistic: I can not compete with that. '  
Her friend sighed and replied, "Lil, you forget something very important: Josh's view of things. Do you think it matters to him if you have money? Maybe he doesn‘t want to be loved by thousands, but only by someone who loves him with all his broken pieces?" When he looked at her again he noticed that she was close to tears. He hugged her and said quietly, "I know, you are very afraid to believe that someone likes you for your own sake, but please, give Josh and you a chance."  
She nodded silently into his chest and he held her for a while before he broke away, reached into his pocket and said, "Lil, the talisman was for you. I know why you wanted to give it to Josh and I'm not mad at you about it. If it calms you, I have also brought him something today that he can carry with him "and hung the pendant around her neck. She looked at her friend guiltily and nodded again. "Lil, is it okay if I tell Josh you come to visit him when you're feeling better?" She nodded again in agreement, then reached for the block and wrote 'I'm so sorry, like I behaved towards Josh last time. Thank you so much for putting me straight so lovingly. '  
Gerard smiled at her and hugged her, replying "That's what friends are for, isn‘t it?" Again he felt a nod to his chest. Gerard rose and turned to leave as he paused again, reached into his pocket and pulled out a box of hair dye and handed it to Lilian. "I thought you could use color in your hair, again" and smiled warmly at her. Lilian accepted the pack and smiled widely when she saw that the color promised a rich purple. "It’s your color, Lil. It fits your eyes so nicely" Gerard commented his decision. She smiled again and hugged him gratefully.

 

Gerard was not even through the door, when Josh already come rushing towards him. " What did she say? How is she doing? Is she mad at me? "He bombarded his friend. "Calm down" he tried to soothe the drummer and patted him reassuringly on the shoulder. They retreated to Josh's room and Gerard told him what he had learned at the PTSD Station.  
"What the hell is going on over there?! Lilian seems to be constantly attacked by other fellow patients. Why they can‘t protect them from such incidents?! "Josh asked angrily.  
"Jish, even if it doesn‘t look like, the staff is doing their best. Flashbacks and triggers can‘t be predicted. In addition, each patient responds differently." Josh made a frustrated face.  
"Josh may I ask you something?" The drummer looked at his friend in surprise and said: "Sure."  
"Tell me honestly: how much do you like Lilian?" He blushed and stammered, "Lil is really special. I have never met such a pure person. I feel very comfortable around her. I can be myself with her. That's how I feel about you and Tyler, as well." Gerard smiled. The drummer raised a brow and asked:  
"Why do you want to know? Did she say something?" and looked at him expectantly. His friend grinned even wider and replied:  
"Well, I asked her the same question." Josh's eyes widened and his lips trembled slightly. "She said she likes you more than she wants to admit to herself, but she thinks she can‘t be equal to you, because she has no money and not a solid background as you." Josh sighed and looked sadly at his friend : "Really? What do you mean by solid background? "  
"She meant your fame and your family and friends who love you and take care of you."  
Josh groaned in frustration and laughed with a bitter undertone. "Wow, that's really something new." Gerard looked irritated and his friend continued, "Normally people have no problem abusing my fame or expecting I pay for something they want, just because I'm the drummer of Twenty One Pilots. The fact that I am rejected for the same reasons, is really new. "  
"Whoah Josh, stop. You've misunderstood the whole thing "Gerard said. "Lilian doesn‘t refuse you. She refuses herself. She is terrified not to be enough for you. She really, really likes you a lot. You are a very valuable person to her and she simply thinks that she didn’t deserve you. "  
Josh looked at his friend with wet eyes.  
"Not enough ..." he murmured and tears began to flow down his cheeks. Gerard took his friend in his arms and Josh sobbed, "I feel that way, as well, deep inside of me. That I am not enough. As a drummer, as a friend, as a son." Gee hugged him tighter and mumbled "You're enough, Jish. Lil and I love you the way you are. And certainly Tyler too. Think about how long you have been friends. With your friendship and passion, you have made your band known, gone through thick and thin. You can be proud of that. "  
"I'm just the drummer" Josh told him, sobbing. "Tyler is the mastermind behind everything. A drummer is interchangeable, unimportant." His friend stroked his back reassuringly and whispered in his ear," It's your drums that makes the beat. Don‘t forget that, Jish. "His friend let out a stifled laugh and he broke away from Gerard. He looked at him gratefully and Gee wiped the tears from his eyes. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a rock crystal on a leather strap and hung it around Josh's neck. "Don‘t forget, you're wonderful" and hugged the drummer again.  
Then he said "Lilian has asked me to tell you that she will come to visit you as soon as she feels better. And of course I'll visit you again" Gerard promised with a smile on his face and Josh smiled back.


	12. Dear friend, here we are again pretending

Josh was happy. Tyler and Jenna had signed up for the afternoon. Outside it was snowing in thick flakes and bathing the clinic grounds in a romantic white. He dispelled the time by helping the nurses decorate the station for Christmas.  
"Hello, Christmas elf!" He heard a familiar voice behind him. He turned and looked into Tyler's broad grinning face. Before the singer knew it, Josh hugged him stormy, so that he had to gasp for air.  
"Hey Jish, don‘t crush my husband" Jenna admonished him jokingly. "Sorry" the drummer said, letting go of Tyler. Then he hugged her too.  
They sat in the cafeteria and Tyler inquired about Josh's progress. "It's getting better" his friend replied. "Lilian and Gerard are a great help to me." Tyler raised an eyebrow skeptically and asked "Lilian is the woman with the panic attack, isn‘t she?" Josh nodded and Tyler asked again, "And who is Gerard?" Josh realized that he hadn‘t told Tyler anything about the events here, so he caught up with it.  
"Um, Josh, the two of them may be really nice and so, but I'm not really sure if they are really helpful." The drummer looked dismayed at his friend and wanted to say something as Tyler continued: "Jish, don‘t get me wrong, I know that you have a big heart and you want to help everyone, but I really don’t think, that these people are good for you.'  
"I think, you can leave that decision to me," he replied, getting up. Tyler looked at him confused and Josh added: "I'll go get your gift"   
He went to his room to get the mood tree and when he came out, Jenna stood in front of him.  
"Josh, Tyler didn‘t mean it in a bad way" she began to explain his behavior. "He's just worried about you."  
"That may be true, but I think it's very unfair that he condemns people who have been treated really dreadful and have to live with the consequences, even though these events are not their fault." Jenna made a dismayed face, and Josh sighed adding "Especially Tyler has to know what it feels like to be so desperate, that you see no other way out than doing very destructive things." She nodded silently and they walked back into the cafeteria together.

Tyler curiously unwrapped his present and had to smile. "That's really a great gift, Jish," he said, running his finger along the filigree branches before looking at his friend with sparkling eyes. The drummer smiled back and replied, "Lilian suggested the creative shop." For a split second, Tyler's smile faded, but then he answered, "It was really good advice, when you get such extraordinary things there."  
"Speaking of extraordinary things" Josh began, "can you do me a favor?"  
"Sure."  
The drummer jumped up and returned a few moments later with a ukulele in his hand. Tyler immediately saw that the instrument was special. "Wow Jish, where did you get this wonderful ukulele?" His friend held it out to him and enthusiastically told him the story while Tyler carefully took it into his hands and gently started to play.  
"Lilian looked the same way, like you, when she saw the ukulele" the drummer remarked.  
Tyler paused and asked in bewilderment: "Are you saying you bought this beautiful instrument for Lilian?!"  
Josh looked at him irritably and replied in an injured tone, "What do you want to say, Tyler? That Lilian doesn‘t deserve the ukulele, or what?!" When his friend didn‘t answer immediately, his question became certainty. The drummer took the instrument and said, "What's wrong with you, huh? Why do you have such a dislike for Lilian and also Gerard, whom you have never met? Neither of them has hurt you. "  
"I just don‘t want them to hurt you!" Tyler tried to defend himself. "Josh, you have a delicate soul and I'm afraid they might hurt you right there. The way you talk about Lilian, I think you've fallen in love with her. "  
Josh blushed, but he caught himself and countered, "And what, if I did? Do you think you are the only one, who has the right to be happy and being loved? "  
"Oh Jish, that's ridiculous, what I mean is, be careful who you let getting to close to you."  
The drummer was about to reply, it when Jenna said "Guys .." and nodded her head towards the door.

Lilian stood in the doorway. Her freshly dyed purple hair played around her face, giving her blue eyes even more contrast. She was even thinner than Josh remembered, and her old, worn clothes made her look even more fragile. She had tears in her eyes as she turned to the singer and said, "I would never hurt Josh, Tyler. Never. Josh is such a pure person. Full of light and life. "Lilian gazed at the drummer with such affection, which made Tyler realize why his friend adored her so much.  
"Please don‘t argue because of me. I couldn‘t forgive myself. "After a short pause, she added "Happy Birthday, Tyler and I wish you all a Merry Christmas." Then she turned away and left the room.

"Tyler Robert Joseph, you are a donkey" he heard Jenna say. „I understand your protective instinct torwards Josh, but he can decide for himself whom he likes." The singer nodded ruefully and replied" I'll fix this "and passed Josh, who was about to follow her. "Ty wait ..." the drummer said, but his friend was determined and unstoppable.  
He reached Lilian and tapped her on the shoulder. When she turned around in surprise and saw the singer standing in front of her, she backed away in shock until she was standing with her back to the wall.  
"Lilian, I'm sorry. I..I shouldn‘t have judged you. Jenna is right. I was a total donkey." She just looked at him wide-eyed and gasped. Tyler realized with horror that she was about to get a panic attack. Even before he could intervene, he was pushed aside by Josh, who immediately hugged her and began whispering something in her ear. This time, even he had trouble to calming her down and Tyler blamed himself for being the cause of the whole thing.  
"I didn‘t mean to scare her," he said crookedly. "It's okay ..." Lilian said with a shaky voice. "I ... I'm ... very jumpy ... I'm sorry."  
"No Lilian, as I said, I'm sorry." The singer replied and added, "Um, how about we just start over?" She nodded silently and Tyler held out his hand and said, "Hi I'm Tyler. Nice to meet you. "Lilian shook his hand and smiled shyly. They went back to the cafeteria and Jenna got coffee for everyone.  
She couldn‘t remember the last time, when she had such a funny afternoon. Josh and Tyler told her anecdotes about their last tour and Jenna had to intervene from time to time, when the boys got too melodramatic.


	13. 'Cause the hardest part of this Is leaving you

She entered the PTSD ward with a smile, but it didn‘t last for long, when one of the doctors approached her and asked for a conversation.  
"Lilian, have you been feeling increasingly uncomfortable lately?" She thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I felt powerless and very tired, but I didn‘t really care." The doctor nodded silently and continued. The results of your recent blood test have shown that something is wrong with your immune system. It is getting weaker at a rapid pace. It isn’t AIDS or cancer but we can‘t figure it out .... "

Lilian wasn‘t in the consulting room anymore .... she felt the cold, rough basement wall again, turning the wounds on her back into a burning hell. Through the pain, she heard police sirens in the distance, like she had heard them countless times before. But this time it was different. HE stomped into the basement, his face a kaleidoscope of anger and panic. Out of nowhere, HE was suddenly next to her and HIS hand grabbed her chin roughly as HE forced her to look at HIM.  
"YOU HAVE NO CHANCE, I'LL MAKE SURE YOU'LL STAY MINE FOREVER. YOU ARE MINE, MINE, MINE !!! NOBODY ELSE WILL EVER OWN YOU !!! "  
The siren were howling deafening now, and male voices could be heard.  
"IT DOESN‘T MATTER, ANYMORE. THEY COMING TOO LATE" HE growled with a crazy look and pulled a syringe out of his shirt pocket.  
She barely felt the puncture, and seconds later everything was dark around her ....

"Lilian ... Lilian, breathe!" She heard a voice like through cotton wool. It took her a while to recognize the ward doctor and see clearly, again.  
The doctor's face gradually relaxed again, when he saw that her flashback was fading. He handed her a glass of water and after taking a sip, she said softly, "HE, ... HE injected me something just before the police shot HIM. HE said no one else should own me ... Well, it looks like HE'LL be right ... "  
"Lilian, don‘t lose hope. We do everything possible to help you "  
But she just looked at him and asked, "How much time I have left?"  
The doctor hesitated a bit before answering, "3-4 weeks if we can‘t find the cause."  
Lilian didn‘t need to know anything more. She got up and left the doctor's room.

When she entered her room it had become strangely alien to her, already. She knew too well that HE had never done anything halfhearted and so it was certain to her, that there wouldn’t be a happy ending. Her eyes fell on the photo of Gerard, Josh and her. A sad smile appeared briefly on her face, then she lay down on the bed and was soon asleep.

"Hey Lil," Josh said as they both sat in the creative department. She looked up from her project and replied: "Yes, Jishwa ?!" The drummer had to grin widely about the pet name, before he bit down on his lower lip and began hesitatingly: "I, .. I thought about something a..and wanted to ask you, if y..you want..to spend... Christmas in Col ... Columbus with me..." Lilian smiled touched at him and replied:" Your offer is really very nice, but I think it's better if I stay here. Enjoy Christmas with your family, Gee, Tyler and Jenna. "  
"Especially Gee, Tyler and Jenna would be happy to see you again. And of course I would be very happy to have you around for the holidays. You don‘t have to meet my family if you don‘t want to. I know that might be a bit too much for you. "  
"I think it would be already too much for me to be in a foreign city, Jishwa. In addition, I have to get permission from my doctor for it and I'm pretty sure he will not give it to me. "  
He looked at her sadly and then said softly: "I will miss you very much then, Lil"  
"Me too, Jish. But we still have a few days left. "  
They spent as much time as possible on Josh's station. When Lilian returned to her ward in the evening, they were still three hours of dialysis waiting for her, cause her kidneys begin to fail. She didn‘t want the drummer to see her like this. Not the withering wreck that she will become the more time will pass.  
Her hair started to fall out. She was grateful that it was winter, so it wasn‘t uncommon for her to wear a hat, what Nelly had given her.  
"Dear, do you think it is a good idea not to tell Josh about your condition?" the nurse asked one night. "Nelly, I, ... I can‘t. I wouldn‘t stand it, if he would try to fight with me against this disease, even though I know I'm going to lose. It is enough, that HE is winning in the end. I don‘t want to give HIM the satisfaction that Josh has to suffer to early because of HIM. "  
Nelly nodded silently, then said, "Josh will be devastated when he learns that you‘re gone."  
"I know. I will write him a letter explaining my decision. I hope he can forgive me one day. "

A few days later, Josh picked Lilian off her ward and they headed off to his unit. The drummer smiled warmly at her as he put his arm around her shoulders to protect her against the cold winter breeze. Instead of retiring to his room, he led her to the cafeteria. The moment she crossed the threshold, she saw a lovingly set table with a beautifully decorated birthday cake on it.  
The three people sitting around got up and started singing "Happy Birthday to you". It was so overwhelming that it took Lilian a few seconds to realize it was Gee, Tyler and Jenna.  
She began to tremble with emotion, but Josh began to stroke her back reassuringly, smiling as he sang. The drummer always said he couldn‘t sing, but Lilian was thinking differently. "You have a lovely singing voice, Jish" she said softly before Gee and the others approached her to congratulate her.  
As she sat down at the table, it all still seemed like a dream and she was deeply touched. She looked into the smilimg faces, speaking up: "I'm so grateful for all of you ... no one has ever made me such a beautiful birthday table" "We’re not done, here“Josh replied with a smile. Then he reached under the table and pulled out the ukulele. "A special uke for a special person" and grinned widely. Her eyes widened and she clapped her hand over her mouth. "Oh my God, Josh ..." she said stunned. "That, that really wasn’t necessary ..." "Yes, it was" he replied and smiled gently at her. "It really needs a special human being to appreciate a story behind things. And you are one oft hem. "  
She wanted to say something, but Josh shook his head and softly said: "Love, no discussions." She carefully took the ukulele and stroked their strings tenderly.  
"Would you play us something?" She heard Tyler ask suddenly. Lilian jumped slightly in shock. She had completely forgot her surroundings. Lilian blushed and said shyly, "Better not. I, I have to get used to the instrument, first." Then she held the ukulele out to Tyler and asked shyly," Would you mind playing something maybe? "He smiled at her as he took the ukulele and said " Of course. Do you have something specific in mind? " "Trees "she answered and Tyler was genuinely surprised. He looked at her with an indefinite look and she said insecurely, "If ... if you don‘t want to, that's okay, I ..." The singer interrupted her and replied, "No, it's okay. If I think about it, it makes sense, considering how you two met" and smiled.  
He skillfully tuned the ukulele and started to sing. Josh squeezed her gently as Tyler sang and she rested her head against his shoulder.  
When he had finished, everyone clapped. Tyler thanked them and added "Well, and now at the special request of our favorite drummer here, one more song."  
Lilian could feel Josh getting stiff and didn‘t understand why until she heard the first words: "Wise Men say, only fools rush in ...."  
Her breath caught. She eased away from him to look him in the eye. He started shaking slightly when she looked at him questioningly. His eyes reflected a kaleidoscope of emotions. She saw fear and insecurity in them, but also honesty. Most importantly, she saw love in it.  
And that's what hit her the hardest. She didn‘t know what to do, first. But one thing she knew for sure: She didn‘t want to hurt Josh - at least not now and not as long as she could delay it, somehow. And if there was a truth in this tragedy, it was that she loved Josh with her whole heart.  
So she smiled at him, took his hand and sang the last movement of the song with Tyler, eyes fixed on Josh: "Cause I can‘t help, falling in love ... with ... yoouu ..."  
Josh gave her a hug and whispered in her ear, "I'm so happy .."  
"Me too" she replied quietly, nestling against him as her other guests applauded.  
Then it was time to eat the cake and everyone exchanged their news.

 

Lilian left the room for a moment, and when she came out of the bathroom, Gerard was standing in front of her with a worried face "Lil, is everything okay with you?" She looked at him in surprise "What do you mean? Do you think I'm not serious with Josh? "He shook his head" I'm absolutely sure, nobody could be more serious with Josh than you, Lil. It's just you look really sick, dear. You're even thinner than I remember you, and it seems to me that your light is getting weaker and weaker.“   
It was something that Lilian had always admired about Gerard: his way of perceiving things. She never thought that this special ability could ever be a problem for her.  
"Gee, I’m okay. I'm getting some new medications right now and you know yourself, sometimes it’s a challenge to get used to them."  
Gerard nodded in agreement and replied, "Dear, promise me to let Josh or me know when you need something. We would be more than happy to help you. I hope, you know that? "  
" Yes Gee, I know that."  
He gave her a stern-caring look before they joining the others again.  
After the celebration, Tyler, Gee and Jenna said goodbye to the two lovers and Josh brought Lilian back to the PTSD station.  
"I'll miss you a lot, dear," the drummer said softly as they stood in front of the entrance. "Me too, Jishwa. More than you think."  
"I call you every day. I Promise."  
"Then I have something to look forward to, every day" she replied.  
He wanted to kiss her on the cheek, but she turned her head and her lips met. Even before Josh could think about if this happend accidentally, he felt her lips put a little more pressure gently on his own. He smiled just before he decided to stop thinking, and just to feel instead.


	14. The ghost of you is close to me

Lilian made it to the bathroom just in time, before the nausea got the best of her. With her last strength she made it to bed and fell asleep immediately.

The next morning, Lilian had to endure dialysis for one more hour and her antibiotic dose was doubled. So she felt stable enough to spend some time with Josh before he left for Columbus.  
When they got to his car, he reached into his jacket and pulled out a small box. He smiled warmly at her and said, "Do not open before Christmas" and kiss her gently. Lilian returned the kiss and answered, "Dito" and pulled out a small, flat package under her jacket.  
He smiled at her, but couldn‘t help but ask "Lil, you didn‘t sell anything again, did you?"  
"No. I helped Tim in the creative department and worked worked for the material. "  
"Oh Lil, you're the best. Thank you so much for your effort. "  
"It was no effort. On the contrary, it was a pleasure. I hope you will like it."  
"Sure" the drummer replied, hugging her and then kissing her deeply.  
"Drive carefully, Jishwa" she said softly as he got into the car. "I will, dear" he promised and added, "Please take care of yourself, too." She nodded silently and he started the engine. He gave her another kiss as he drove off. Lilian waved after him and stood alone in the parking lot for a while, even after Josh was long gone.

When she returned to her ward, she sat down at the desk in her room and began to write the letter to Josh. She could feel that she didn‘t have much time left, her body crumbling and dying.  
In the evening, Josh called to tell her that he had arrived Columbus safe and sound. Lilian enjoyed hearing his warm voice and was pleased when her friend told her what he had planned for the coming days. Gee was chiming in once in a while and creating some laughs.  
When she put the phone back on the hook, she gave a stifled sigh and tears began to run down her cheeks. She didn‘t expected it would be that hard. 'The best comes last', she thought ironically and she laughed bitterly.

The only thing she could get out of bed for the next few days was Josh's calls. She waited patiently in her wheelchair until the phone in the hall rang. As much as she longed for and enjoyed the conversations with him, so much did they leach her out.

She woke up in the middle of Christmas night due to severe nausea. She switched her lamp on and drank some water, hoping that it would calm her stomach down a bit.  
She glanced at the clock on the wall that indicated half past one AM and sighed. Then she took the photo in her hand and looked at it melancholy. A sad smile flitted across her face as she tenderly tripped Josh and Gerard's face with trembling fingers. She put the photo in her lap and grabbed Josh's gift. She had trouble opening the box, but was finally successful.  
There was a Triskele with an angel in the center, hanging on a delicate chain. A small card hung on it saying, 'An angel for my angel. I love you & Merry Christmas, Josh '  
Tears started to run down her cheeks and she whispered into the stillness of the night: "I love you too, Jishwa. I always will. Merry christmas." Then she put the necklace on and stroked the pendant tenderly.  
She fell asleep again without realizing it, while a blizzard was moving toward the clinic grounds.

 

Columbus, the next morning ... ..

"Good morning, Josh," Gerard greeted him as his friend and roommate slipped sleepily into the living room. "Morning", he grumbled back and trotted into the kitchen, where Gerard had made coffee already.  
The drummer dropped on the couch next to him, lifted the cup and muttered, "Thank you."  
"You’re welcome" replied his friend, grinning at him. "What are you watching?"  
"The weather report. I don‘t want to ruin your mood, but you may not reach Lilian today. "  
"Why?"  
"An giant blizzard has passed us and has done lots of damage."  
Josh grumbled something into his cup and then said, "Yay, welcome to Ohio." Gerard patted his shoulder gently and replied, "Hey, nothing against Ohio! The coolest people live there "and grinned. Josh took the hint and grinned back.  
He tried to call the clinic anyway, but Gerard was right, and he didn‘t succeed. That didn‘t change in the next few days either.

Josh and Gerard were cooking together in the kitchen when the doorbell rang. When the drummer opened the door he was surprised to see Tyler standing on his threshold. "Hey Ty, what a surprise. Whats up? "  
"I'll show you " his friend said and entered the apartment. He headed for the dining table and dropped a larger package there. "Um, we already had our handing out of presents, right? Josh asked confused. The singer looked at him seriously and muttered, "I'm afraid this has a different background."  
Now Gerard came out of the kitchen to see what was going on.  
Tyler opened the package and Josh gasped. There was Lilian's ukulele with a piece of paper note around the guitar neck with the note 'For Tyler'. At the height of the orchestra, an envelope was stuck in the strings that said 'For my beloved Josh'.  
The drummer pulled him out and retired without another word to his room.  
He sat down on his bed and his heart beat so fast that he thought he was about to jump out of his chest. With trembling hands he opened the letter and began to read:

, My beloved Josh,

if you hold this letter in your hands, then I am gone. I hope you will be able to forgive me someday for not saying anything to you.  
I have just recently learned that my time on this earth is running out. That my hijacker won in the end. Even though he finally forced me to my knees, you shouldn’t experience the misery of seeing me die.  
I am painfully aware that I can‘t keep the suffering completely away from you, but I want to reaffirm from the bottom of my heart that I did it out of love for you.  
I will always love you my Jishwa, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart that you have made my last months in this world the most beautiful I have ever experienced.

In deep love & forever  
Lilian

 

"No ..., no ... NO!!!" His stunned whisper ended in a scream. The letter slipped from his hand and he clapped his hands over his face, unwilling to accept the contents as true.  
The door to his bedroom flew open and Tyler and Gerard stormed in. "What ..?" Began the singer, but Josh was a whimpering mess, unable to perceive anything around him, let alone explain anything.  
Gerard picked up the letter that slipped off the bed while Tyler sat down next to his friend and cautiously hugged him.  
Seconds later, he heard Gee whisper in shock, "Oh my God, no ..." Tyler looked questioningly at Josh's roommate, who had turned ghostly pale. In a trembling voice he said softly: "Lil ... Lilian. She is dead."  
Tyler gasped and Josh let out a heart-wrenching whimper. Gerard's legs gave way and he sank down on the bed next to Josh. The world around them turned pitch black, distorting every sound into static…


End file.
